Development

2006-09-08T22:36:00.000-07:00

I came here to a park in Santa Monica by what I thought were less than virtuous means. I was wrong. I thought: "I'll buy some meat and head to the beach, or to Third and Rose to meet Rollo." I haven't got there.

I decided to walk down Fourth. I found a park: I don't know what street.
I'm listening to the radio: to KPFK ,90.7 Los Angeles, Pacifica Radio. I'm a little drunk.

I was lonely. I was ALONE! I couldn't stand it. I was yelling at the heavens regarding my loneliness.

I DON'T WANT TO DO IT ANYMORE!!!

I don't know how to help myself. I don't know why this wi-fi is working. I don't know why Skylar has offered me work. I know I belong in this seat. I know I've done the right thing.

I'm on the right track, but I keep getting distracted.

(I have plenty of battery.)

I don't want to leave here.

Something spiritual is happening

People are walking by now. I wonder if I seem like art, or like a weirdo.

There's a song on the radio now that is using samples of the Reverend Doctor Martin Luther King Junior.

(They are walking near me now. That validates me.)

This may be the farthest I need to go. I'm going to take my bottle out.

I wonder who will read this, if anyone.

2006-09-08T12:39:00.000-07:00

Things are changing. I knew I felt a change. I'm smoking less. Monday through Friday, I've refrained from eating meat.

Unfortunately, my attitude this week has been very poor. I really don't find much to laugh about at work. I feel very pensive most of the time; I'm trying to figure something out, but I don't know what it is. I'm making subconscious connections.

Recently, I compared my current emotional state to that of my black period preceding and includin my sophomore year in high school.

I did end up getting that book at the library about programming. I'm learning BASIC, not because it's going to be that useful, but because I'd like to start at the beginning.

Skylar suggested I learn programming, and although it may have lit a little fire under my bum, I'm doing it for myself. I have wanted to study programming since I was very young. I can rememer working on Apple computers when I was in grade school, and taking the word processing and spreadsheet class at El Camino College while my mom was a student there.

Christine's attitude has been very weird of late. I feel like she's noticed that I'm not quite as into her as I once seemed. I'm waking up and I can't seem to fake it as easily as I used to be able to, if at all.

Although I'm broke, I do seem to be getting a little better with my money. I actually bought dishes last week. Although that may seem small, it shows that I may finally be thinking practically. Also, I've turned down a few invitations to events, simply because I didn't want to go. I think it may be the start of leaving the people-pleasing behavior behind.

Danny, Emily and possibly Husam are no more.

While I indicated to Alyse that I would be joining her in Eugene in a couple of weeks for her birthday celebration, I'm not sure if that's really going to pan out. I have to see the way things work out fiscally. Maybe being fiscally conservative isn't a bad thing. It's beginning to make me see things in a different way. What is essential, and what's just fluff. Who are my friends? These are questions that are coming into the forefront now that I'm enjoying spending my money doing things I need to do, and more importantly, enjoy doing; things that are good for me.

2006-08-30T22:35:00.000-07:00

I'm hoping to begin to write more. My last entry, although disjointed, was, for me, very therapeutic.

I received my evaluation from CCSM regarding my performance as resident manager. Not so bad.... The only two things I got knocked for were two things I refused to do. I will start doing Monthly Time Logs this month.

I know I will start to do them because I'm feeling much less burdened by life at the moment. I'm learning to let some of the things that are destructive to me simply fall away.

I have so much more energy. I look great! And, I find when I do things that are good for me, it's beginning to feel like less of an obligation; it's starting to make me feel good...each time!

I'm going to have to work out exactly what I'm going to do about my Mom. Her energy was really fucked up the other day, and the materialism is really getting to me.

2006-08-27T19:53:00.000-07:00

I'm out of money again. I thought that with this new job, everything would be better. I simply began to spend more on lavish dinners, impromptu holidays and expensive clothes. Fortunately, I was able to give my mom some money and buy her a very nice bracelet. I was also able to help out my sister and take my brother for a hot night out on the town.

This weekend, I've literally done nothing but lie in bed. I surfed the web: my new favorite is Wikipedia. I search anything that crosses my mind. I hope I can retain it. I also use Limewire quite a bit. I am proud to say, I have only used the files I cop for personal use, which I believe is the point.

My horoscope, which I still read from time to time, says that I'm learning to not sweat the little things. I think that is definitely true. I have just enough money to get to work until payday, Thursday. I have a minute food budget, so it looks like Ramen for the next three days.

Christine is at BurningMan with her boyfriend GianCarlo (GC) and some other friends. One night while at their place having cocktails, GC and she made a huge point of telling me that GC is bisexual and has, in the past, engaged in sexual relations with men. Why she would tell me that about her own boyfriend is completely beyond me.

After that, the next time I hung out with them, GC kept bringing up things about gay lifestyle and philosophy when Christine wasn't around. The situation is quite uncomfortable, but only for me, I think.

I spend most of the time while I'm at home naked. It just feels better. I'm learning to be less paranoid of the windows. If someone could see in, I imagine they certainly would have said something by now.

My place is still largely unfurnished. I have two beds, one twin with frame and one full futon mattress situated on the floor. I finally bought my own notebook. Instead of it sitting on a desk, it is on a plastic crate. The only dishes I have are cups, one pan, a teakettle and flatware.

I have very few minutes left on my phone. I think my service should run out by Wednesday, possibly Tuesday. Fortunately, again, payday is Tuesday, so I shouldn't be out of the game for too long.

Part of the reason for this weekend's poverty comes from the fact that I've just enrolled in the firm's 401(k). I instructed them to take a total of about twenty percent of my gross wages. I know that this is the only way I will be able to save money; only if I don't get my hands on it in the first place.

2005-11-27T08:59:00.000-08:00

Don't relax.

The trip to Augusta is cancelled. According to Lu, it's actually postponed. She says she's saving me for New York in March. Although that sounds great, March is a long way away. I was really looking forward to the extra money. I haven't told my parents yet. I don't think I will; I'll just have to really step it up through that period.

I'm not feeling very good today. I'm not ill or anything, I just feel a slight depression going on. The smallest little thing puts me in the shittiest mood.

I'm sure some of it has to do with seeing the injustice of my past in my face everyday. I'm not going to explain that.

I'm trying my best not to live in resentments.

2005-11-20T19:49:00.000-08:00

The damage has been done with my mother and I. Things will never be the same between us as they were. It's been a steady downhill battle, and we'll both have to accept our decisions.

2005-11-17T23:55:00.000-08:00

Although I hadn't planned on it, I ended up sleeping for the better part of the day. I'm sure that had something to do with all the coffee I ingested last night. 2 cups of regular, and a double caramel latte: I was up until after eight in the morning. I decided to go on and make breakfast around seven while watching Spin City. Dammit, I love that show. <>
Someone commented on my JUB blog today. He seems like an interesting guy.

Mum came home today. Fortunately, she was in a good mood, but I won't hold her to it. Tomorrow, I'll be spending the day in the city.

2005-11-17T05:02:00.000-08:00

I'm meeting new people everyday. The past few days have been very telling, and very awakening. I'm realising I'm not as bad as I always thought I was. I'm okay. Sure, I'm a deviant in certain ways, but let's keep things interesting. I'm still working on getting rid of that guilt, but I think I'm getting there.

I wish I could be more specific, but the individual happenings seem so trivial when compared to the big picture, and the big picture is so BIG!

For now, until I gather my thoughts...

2005-11-16T01:17:00.000-08:00

I wish I had been born in a time when there were no television. I know that sounds awful as it can be a great artform, but growing up with television, I think, has made life harder for me. I'm constantly judging myself against the moving two dimensional images I see. Television let me know what's considered normal and what's considered deviant behaviour. Unfortunately, it's always behind the times, so I grew up as guilty as a Catholic about every little thing.

2005-11-13T22:37:00.000-08:00

I am everything that is right
and everything that is wrong with
this world.
I am the paedophile who prefers older men.
I am the glutton who starves himself.
I hear the chords I so craftily rendered
living as composists of others'
published works.

Mother Earth evolves and revolves in
her fixed orbit
Father Time never changes as he
constantly progresses
How come nobody taught me how to
wipe my ass?
constantly careening between
Mother Howard Stern
and Father Fred Rogers
why does no one look like me?
Why does no one look like me?

2005-11-13T21:44:00.000-08:00

Do white people speak a different "language" when it's just them? I think so.

2005-11-12T14:20:00.001-08:00

I've been having very vivid dreams lately. I think that has something to do with sleeping with the television on.

My skin has only gotten slightly better since I started using ProActiv. I think instead of getting rid of my zits, all this skincare has only made them shinier.

2005-11-12T12:13:00.000-08:00

Dammit! I have to buy a new mobile today has I have lost my last one. What a waste of money! I'm really frustrated because there were only three places I visited the night in question, and none of them claim to have found my phone. No one has been using it (I checked the call history online), so I'm guessing it's already on the way to a landfill by now. Brilliant! Just brilliant!

2005-11-11T23:37:00.000-08:00

I'm really nervous about having a link to this expose' on my MySpace page. It's new to have my friends actually participating in interactive cyberspace.

2005-11-11T04:07:00.000-08:00

I'm addicted to sex, and I'm addicted to drugs.

So, what should I do?

2005-11-10T22:32:00.000-08:00

Incredible. I just came back to view some pre-rehab posts. I'd completely forgot about my space here. I'm sure no one noticed, but that was kind of the point, I guess: anonymity. So, what's been going on since May of Two Thousand Four:

I've gotten older. I don't think I've gotten wiser, but I've learned some things. I've learned that coffee thickens and darkens as it gets older. I've learned to read more than I write. I've learned firsthand, that crack truly is whack (that lesson wasn't fun).

I'm trying my best not to feel like a failure, although I'm living back in my parents' house (it feels horrible to even admit it "out loud"), I'm experiencing a "gap in employment". Sadly, in the forefront of my mind is the bottle of The Club Vodka Martini I'm going to get at 2330. I won't be able to really concentrate or focus until then. I hope I have ice. 2330 isn't coming soon enough. Maybe I've had too much coffee.

2004-05-26T16:41:00.000-07:00

I love my boss. Today, I got a notebook computer and he's encouraging a holiday this weekend. I couldn't be happier.

2004-05-24T15:02:00.000-07:00

I give myself a very hard time. I've been working SO much! My position here is getting more and more secure. They're even willing to deal with a certain amount of bullshit and diva-ness from me from time to time. Paul is supposed to bring my notebook this week. I'll ask him toward the end of the day. I was really looking forward to that.

2004-05-21T10:50:00.000-07:00

This is getting ridiculous. The show went off without a hitch. I got a pretty good bonus.

2004-05-05T19:44:00.002-07:00

The event continues to get bigger and bigger. Today, Paul failed to mail the celebrity packages. I am more than perturbed. Chris is coming to show his paintings and view the space. Marquis makes me smile. I think he may be gay, but his paintings are always of really glamorous females.

2004-05-05T19:44:00.001-07:00

2004-05-05T19:44:00.000-07:00

2004-05-04T19:34:00.000-07:00

Ultimately, Coachella was very worth it. Liz only acted stupid once. I'm very sick. I don't think I'm quite at the point of having bronchitis, but I'm definitely at the threshold. Had I not stopped smoking when I did (although, I actually should have stopped sooner), I think I'd be in far worse shape. Now, to encourage the breaking up of the congestion in my lungs, I've been eating lots of garlic, drinking lots of green tea, and eating spicy foods.

"The Show", as it has come to be known, is going quite well. Kevin and I actually had a full walk-through tonight and have placed everyone; even people's art for whom we don't have exact dimensions.

I finally got Stereolab's "Margerine Eclipse" and Air's "Talkie Walkie", both of which are beyond worth it. After seeing them both at Coachella, I had no choice, walked directly into the Virgin tent and purchased: Thirty-six dollars of sheer bliss.

Air absolutely blew me away. I felt very cool and with it because it was obvious most people didn't know who they were, and I was actually in the crowd singing the lyrics.

I ran into Chris Chicocki at the show. He somehow heard about the show May 15 (apparently, through Tara Feld; good to see they still keep in touch?) He may want to contribute some pieces into the show.

2004-04-26T10:59:00.000-07:00

I've just been invited to Puerto Vallarta with Sam and David.

2004-04-26T10:05:00.000-07:00

Paul was surprised that I came into work this morning. He said he'd figure I'd be hung over. I guess everyone else goes to weddings and get sloshed. I couldn't really afford slosh status exactly (I still had a couple) since their ghetto asses didn't have an open bar.

We went to Club Ted Saturday night, Dave and I. It was ridiculous how many people were on my jock and how deeply. I was really drunk, but I kept pulling out aces. I was a star.

2004-04-21T16:40:00.000-07:00

Apology: I've been too hard on him. He's trying to show his appreciation. I've just uncorked the Napa Valley 2001 14.7% alcohol Merlot. It will be grand, I'm sure.

Symbiosis is coming along quite well. I've got help! I can't stop smiling. I think I just might pull off a really great show.

Tomesha's wedding is this weekend. My Mom's catering the show. I've booked lighting. I'm moving up to a bedroom in the house (Unfortunately, there's a credit check, but I'll hope for the best. I think my parents may help.),

2004-04-19T10:36:00.000-07:00

When you're gone, that's money!

-Took two days sick off work. Actually was four if one includes the weekend; . . . feeling better now. . . . broke, busy.

My head is in my hands. I'm so busy. Two days; it feels like I've been gone a month.

2004-04-07T12:53:00.000-07:00

Things have gotten busy here. I'm definitely in business-person mode. I was going to go out for sushi with Sam today, but Paul INSISISTED on buying me lunch. It's as if he thinks I have no life. I'm appreciative, of course, but I had plans. The real story is, he didn't want to me to leave the office because we're busy today.

2004-04-06T15:51:00.000-07:00

Today is a good day to blog (using it as a verb). Everything is changing. We are now officially open (Could I be any more cryptic? Don't think so hard).

We went out last night, Liz, Alyse, and I. We met Sam, David, and Ryan at the bar. It was fun. I got WAY drunk, but had a great time. David dropped me some coke, but it fucked up my sinuses. I hate that shit.

I'm not really sure what I should be doing, but today is definitely a day to sort out my space more, do laundry, shower, blahblahblah.

2004-04-05T12:48:00.000-07:00

Elaine has asked me to send her an invoice for all the tours I've been giving in her name. Also, Paul finally gave me the hundred from Arete. I like receiving money. I'm tired of working hard (well, not that hard) and being broke. I hate being the lowest on the totem pole.

2004-04-05T12:18:00.000-07:00

I have no right to feel this way, but I've been passively looking for another job on craigslist. I started to do my CV today, and realized I need to keep this job. My work history shows a lack of stability. I feel the "run" emotions coming into my brain. I'm looking for ways to escape.

Previous actions are catching up with me, as they will. My job history, my drug use, my general irresponsiblity. Alyse and Danny stick by me. They are the only ones.

I can only do this job longer if we begin to progress.

2004-04-05T09:40:00.000-07:00

I am barely holding on. I don't know if I have already written about the phone call on Thursday: I've been using that as the excuse for my behavior during the latter portion of last week. Fortunately, I've gotten some rest this weekend. I feel like I missed some pretty important stuff this weekend.

I just found out I'm also getting gyped on my pay from Media Locations.

2004-04-01T16:31:00.000-08:00

I just received a call from a guy named Jim. I fucked him at the Midtowne. He called to tell me he's sick, and wanted to see me again, but wanted to know if this was a concern for me. I agreed to meet with him on Saturday. What a phone call.

I'm also conversating with this guy that's going to hook up dex from Oz. I don't know what's in the stars, but it's been a weird day.

I talked with Kim from Spokane.

2004-04-01T12:15:00.000-08:00

So, I just phoned Alice regarding the room for Coachella. I'm so excited! To make sure I have the money, instead of getting Tina, I'm going to Ultra-Suede tomorrow night (that is, if Danny doesn't want to go to the Catch on Saturday). Oh, I don't really know what I'm going to do, but I'm just going to try to make sure I save some moolah. So far, everything has gone according to budget (excluding my dental work, of course).

2004-04-01T11:08:00.000-08:00

Things are really funny right now. I just txtd Sam to try to get some Tina for the weekend since I just got some good news: My rent is cut in half. I've paid rent and all my bills for the month. I'm definitely going to save some of the money, but I figure I should be able to have a pretty good time for pretty cheap.

Paul didn't give Shannon the space and Kevin decided to let Melanie come in. I'm disappointed in them both.

2004-03-31T12:29:00.000-08:00

It has been a very interesting week so far. Last night I did my grocery shopping. Yay! Danny's coming by today, so I can do his CV.

I've been late to work for the past three days. Funnily enough, Paul doesn't seem to mind. I think he's glad I just come in and do my work rather than wasting time. Steve Bochco will be here tomorrow, so I'll be here at 9.

I'm trying to get Alice's condo for Coachella. All the other hotels in the area are booked.

I've been here for thirty minutes, and I'm already out of work to do.

2004-03-30T14:07:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I received a notice from poetry.com that my poem has made it to the semi-finals of the poetry contest. I was shocked and elated. I left the notice here at the office on my desk. Paul has lost it.

2004-03-29T14:33:00.000-08:00

I notice the more I post, the higher my name goes up on Google. I'm not sure if I'm ready for so much exposure.

Things from last weekend have quasi-sorted themselves. I'm feeling great. Emily's show is tonight. Hopefully, tomorrow I'll be able to go to happy hour with Dad.

I signed another tenant. Commission looks lovely.

2004-03-26T15:18:00.000-08:00

My paycheck feels hella-good in my pocket. I've decided I'm not going out (to West Hollywood) for Happy Hour tonight. Instead, I'll go to dinner in my own neighborhood. I also am not going grocery shopping until Sunday, after I see how much my dental work is going to cost. At the most, it should be about three hundred fifty; at the least, one fifty.

Again, my Dad's birthday is tomorrow. I've got the day off work so I can attend. Sunday, I'll be here all day, from eight to eight.

I may invite Alyse over for dinner. I noticed a Mexican restaurant in the neighborhood that boasts the best Margaritas in town (It's pretty hard to fuck up a Margarita, but I guess I'll take their word for it).

I'm excited that I'm not getting the urge to do something stupid as usual. Maybe I have actually learned my lessson: I promised myself that if I'm good this week, I'll take myself to Happy Hour in West Hollywood next week as a reward. I'm learning.

2004-03-25T09:55:00.000-08:00

I'm not in a very good mood this morning. USPS still hasn't found the mail; my nine o' clock is over an hour late (I could've been asleep). At least I'll rock the extra hour. Paul is getting on my nerves. This building is getting on my nerves. Filming is going great, but we still haven't opened. I'm beginning to lose faith; I'm trying not to show it, but I think Kevin sees my angst.

It's Dad's birthday this weekend. We're going to Medieval Times, surprisingly. I'm glad I've already sprung for his gift (it's hot!). Aunt June will be there as well as they are twins.

I have very little minutes on my phone and can't wait to see that check tomorrow.

I also have my dental appointment Saturday (finally!). I'm a little stressed about money, but I'm optimistic.

2004-03-22T13:53:00.000-08:00

I'm having a serious problem all of a sudden: I'm contemplating buying some more rock. I really need to get it together. This morning, when I saw that my money had finally been made available in my account, I thought of buying food and getting Paul's other bottle of wine. Now, I'm thinking of using ten for the rock and going home and jerking off for a while. I haven't done it in a few days (not the rock, the jerking off). I'm really afraid I'm getting addicted. I don't know what to do. While I was in the alley smoking, I saw Joe. Seeing him reminded me of what I could become if I let this get out of hand. I suppose, in a way, the situation has already gotten out of hand.

Follow my rationale: If I get this rock, I'll get ten dollars instead of twenty. I won't need to eat dinner tonight because I won't be hungry. Also, it will alleviate the pain in my tooth. It could turn pear-shaped, however, if Robin decides to come to the house and get the rest of his stuff while I'm smoking. I have another twenty coming from past transaction holds which I can use during the rest of the week for whatever expenses are incurred, i.e. food.

Just the thoughts are enough to really make me physically weak. Each time I go, I say it's going to be the last time. Why is this happening?

Part of me thinks I should try it. Part of me knows . . . .

2004-03-22T11:50:00.000-08:00

I've just realized I've claimed my tickets to Coachella. Line-up (of interest to me) on Saturday: Radiohead, Kraftwerk, Hieroglyphics, Stereolab, Mark Farina; and Sunday: The Cure, The Flaming Lips, Air, Basement Jaxx, Le Tigre, The Crystal Method. I can't wait.

One more thing I can't wait for: my tooth extraction. I can't wait to get it out of my head (ooh, kind of like Kylie Minogue).

2004-03-22T10:59:00.000-08:00

The money finally came back to my account! I know not to make that mistake again.

I had a lot of time to think this weekend. I had very vivid and drawn out dreams. I think it had to do with the "Soundscapes" I've been listening to of late.

Work has been on my mind. I think if we don't open this time, I may start looking. Paul seems like he may be running out of money. He's been borrowing a lot. I guess I need to get my CV in order. I'm sure he'd give me a good reference.

My work history is so scattered; I've never stayed at a position for more than a few months. I do have skills though. I think I may be underestimating myself in many ways. Maybe Alyse is right: Maybe people are offering me jobs and I'm not hearing them.

Maybe they're all right; maybe things need to change. Maybe I should get myself into the next financial bracket, which, as Skylar says, I won't find the door to on Craigslist.

I like my basement space. When Dad comes to help me put my bed together, it's going to look a lot different, and better. I think the dust is slightly kicking my ass.

2004-03-19T10:44:00.000-08:00

I finally got that stuff moved from Joe's space into mine. It needs to be reassembled, but I'm just glad to finally have it there. My mom helped me. Afterwards, we had dinner at this Filipino place. There's a lot of fat in their diet. It was okay though.

Today, I was thirty minutes late. I called Paul and told him I'd be late and then, when I got here at exactly 1033, he's all, "What took you so long?" I hate that shit. Fortunately, my appointment at 10 (which I completely forgot about) called to reschedule. Sometimes I can be a lucky bitch.

(Just now, my eleven o' clock just cancelled as well. What's up?)

I don't know why, but I feel great today. I'm wearing this great outfit: Blue flat-front, flare jeans with a black polyester with inner-woven silk dress shirt under a black, fitted, ribbed cotton pullover vest. I accentuated with a funky blue and brown intricately pattered tie to match my blue and brown sneakers and brown crushed leather jacket.

Tonight, I have the "interview" for the ticket-taking position at the Tamarind.

2004-03-18T10:25:00.000-08:00

Alyse called me last night to ask me if I'd like to go out for St. Patty's Day. After I told her I was broke, she was like, "Oh, well. . . ." I don't think I'll be talking to anyone for a while. The next time I'll go out with her is Coachella, and that's if I even get tickets.

Fortunately, I'm already at forty hours and it's only Thursday. I'm looking forward to sleeping in all weekend.

2004-03-17T13:53:00.000-08:00

Claudia just made it clear that she thought I was more than this job. "So, what is it you really do? Are you an artist?" she asked. Again, I used the old "I'm a performance artist; I do music, theatre and dance." I seem to be the only one that accepts this life for me. I'm not getting any help though. I guess I'm not passionate about anything enough to save my money and go for it full-force. Should I be an actor? Should I get back into music? Should I join a dance studio? She agrees, I should've stayed in London.

2004-03-16T10:35:00.000-08:00

I may be able to get away with trying (desperately) to hold on to a hundred bucks for two weeks. I suppose that's better than trying to hold onto seven. I've really done it this time. No more.

2004-03-15T13:12:00.000-08:00

Tonight, I'm taking it upon myself to move Robin's stuff out of the basement. That is not the reason why things have not been going well - that is actually my fault - but, I think in doing that, it will help to kick me in the ass and give me something to do/time to think.

My irresponsibility is at the point of being absolutely ridiculous. I can no longer go out with Alyse. It seems that every time I do, I end up spending way too much money and leaving my other financial responsiblities by the wayside.

Skylar really offended me by the way he looked at my space, and then proceeded to lecture me on how "it's time to get into the next financial bracket." He basically told me I'm poor, and I need to get it together. Frankly, after that, I had nothing left to say. In turn, I think I offended him by leaving him asleep in my living room on the futon.

I didn't get the furniture moved this weekend as planned. There are holds on my credit card. I need lunch.

2004-03-12T13:32:00.000-08:00

WE GOT A SIGNATURE FOR THE TEMPORARY OCCUPANCY PERMIT!!!
We are all so excited. Paul just left to take the inspector out to lunch. I can't believe it's finally happening. This means I need to draw up the leases for the tenants and get back to work advertising. I also can dive head-first into the Gallery Row opening project. It's going to be a very busy couple of months, but I'm looking forward to it. I'm a little nervous. This is when the real shit starts. Everything else leading up to now has been practice.

Last night we went for Japanese in Glendale. It was lovely: I had Filet Mignon with Scallops, a Sapporo and a bottle of hot Sake. Apres dinner, we went to a bar called the Blue Room. Shitty straight bar, but great drinks; cheap too. I pretty much stayed on budget.

Trying to keep within my budget, I'm going to put the money for the extraction on my MasterCard after work. I'll then go home, get my basket and head to the store to do my bi-monthly grocery shopping. As I mentioned in a previous post, my bill should not be as high as last month's, as I've already purchased certain items that need not be readily replaced.

Tonight I'm supposed to go to the Gig to see Nate play in a funk band. I don't know what time he goes on. I'm also actively trying to score some coke for Liz. I just spoke with Sam. I think we may meet after work. Possibly, he could come do my grocery shopping with me, we could have a couple of pre-party cocktails at the house, and we'll be able to buy some coke.

2004-03-11T14:03:00.000-08:00

A very easy day. Actually it's been a very easy week. Everyone (mainly Paul, obviously) is all stressed about the looming inspection on Friday. I am confident. I didn't eat lunch: I was expecting Paul to give me that hundred by lunch-time. I even asked him for it. He told me he had a lunch appointment and would give it to me later.

The train bombing in Spain is all over the news and, although it is far, is concerning me greatly. It marks a resurgence of terrorist activity outside of the Islamic world. The air has been very odd here; last night, especially (not attempting to make a connection between the weather and an attack of some sort, but paralleling the feeling of nervousness caused by both).

Emily stopped by last night to make sure everything was okay at the house. I called her regarding my fears of the broken lock on my door, and Robin's taking of the furniture. I have since received confirmation that the furniture he took was indeed his. I am relieved. I can't wait for this all to be over. An excuse for the lock being broken eludes me still.

This morning Meryl was filming in the loo with a crew of three. It would have been nice to have been notified prior.

2004-03-10T13:37:00.000-08:00

The inspection for today was rescheduled for Friday, which means, there's not really anyone in the building, and not much to do.

Jonathan Bernstein stopped by today. He mentioned his girlfriend. This is the first I think I've heard of her. He shattered my world. It's so sad the way I try to read so much into the facial expressions and eye contact between myself and other men, namely him and Kevin. I suppose I really am lonely.

I shopped online for a computer today. It looks like things are less expensive now that I've postponed buying a Mac (like I actually had any say in the matter). I have many expenses coming up. Here's an idea:

Moving costs: $100
Dad's Birthday: $100
Dental work: $300
Mimi's Birthday: $100
Tickets to Coachella: $300
Futon from IKEA: $150
Sony television: $300
Coffe table from IKEA: $150
Computer: $750
Sony Hi-Fi system: $600

2850

plus my regular per month expenses:

Metro monthly bus pass: $50
Rent: $300
Utilities: $150
Groceries/Toiletries/General household items: $400
Cingular phone: $100
Debt: $100

1100

which means:

12/3: Purchase birthday gift for Dad
26/3: Dental work
9/4: Tickets to Coachella, Purchase birthday gift for Mimi
23/4: Sony Television, Futon from IKEA
at this point, I think I may ditch the coffee table
21/5: Computer
18/6: Hi Fi

If all goes well (income estimates were conservative, spending estimates liberal), I should have a great summer. Also, I didn't factor in any possible commissions that I may receive as a result of the opening of the building.

*calculations*

I don't have enough money. After reconfiguring everything, I will be in the hole after my dental work. For me, there is no such thing as 'in the hole' as I have no credit. That really is gonna kick my ass into waking up in the morning. I have to do something. This is not enough. I don't know where to begin. I suppose I shouldn't worry about things that have not yet come to pass, but it is painfully obvious, I am not making a sustainable income.

I'm really hoping I've overestimated the 'expenses' category. I've already noticed a few discrepancies, for instance, my Cingular bill was running at one hundred dollars per month, but this month, after two weeks, starting the period with fifty dollars credit, I still have twenty-three fifty left; my grocery bill was two hundred dollars, but the strike slightly increased prices and I had to buy things that one buys less than once a month, such as washing powder, dish soap, olive oil, spices. I also may have to really cut back on the birthday spending. Utilities should also decrease after Robin's much anticipated and drawn-out departure. I am hoping these things will help me. I didn't factor in any money for meals & entertainment. It's a good thing I shop well at Albertson's and have cable television. I may also be able to get away with giving Angel a cool fifty instead of a hundred for moving expenses.

*calculations*

After further calculations (not taking advantage of the preceding hopes of overestimation), I show an eight hundred fifty dollar surplus. What the fuck is going on? I factored everything as reasonably as I know how. At this point, I'll have to try to stick to my guns, especially about the meals & entertainment thing, and hope for the best.

2004-03-09T16:06:00.000-08:00

Just as I was losing hope, Dave came by with a beer last night. I guess I have been unfair to my friends; we all have lives now. He's going to these really weird life-transformation seminars. He's already invested a thousand dollars. I really hope it's not a cult, or something Scientology-esque. He's searching as we all are, I suppose.

Things have been looking up. Fortunately, my check should be more than I expected, and Paul even agreed to give me the utility money for Meryl early, as I requested.

My dad brought the futon mattress to me yesterday. (His friend Jay is really cute; he's also really into chicks, too bad.) Hopefully, Robin has picked up the rest of his stuff today. I doubt it. I realize I've been saying that every day.

I've been thinking a lot about what that cop said to me the fateful night of "the gyping". What am I searching for? I am looking for love in all the wrong places.

I just ran out of cigarettes. I really hope I don't get all moody later on.

I'm having weird pains in my side, on the left. It could be the way I've been sitting. I'm hoping it doesn't have to do with how much aspirin I've been taking. I really have to get this tooth thing sorted. With the money that I've made over the past two weeks, I think it should be two and a half weeks more until I can afford the extraction.

2004-03-09T09:37:00.000-08:00

I just turned down a major party at the White Lotus in Hollywood. I have never been there, but from their website, it looks fabulous, if not overly-posh. I think I need to stay out of such environments for a while. I need to push the middle ground: to stay away from crack-heads on the street, and away from elitist posers in Hollywood. I guess it's going to be Silverlake for me for a while.

One of the main turnoffs of the party for me, was there were different prices according to time, and more disgustingly, according to sex. I will have no part. This tells me they value the presence of women more than men, and I'm not going to a party to be sexually frustrated and ignored. Why don't they just say "Straight People Only"?

It is Tuesday. I got to work on time today at 9. I woke up a bit late (It's really hard for me to get out of that bed.) and had an undercooked boiled egg and toast with butter. I'm running out of butter. Everything else in the kitchen is going well, which is my only saving grace considering my pockets are bare; fortunately, my cupboards aren't.

2004-03-08T14:13:00.000-08:00

I don't know what I want to do, with my life I mean; what I want to be. People ask, "What do you do?" I tell them my occupation first, then when they want to know what I do besides work, I tell them I'm a performance artist. I suppose I do perform from time to time, although lately I've been quite dry in that department. The last time I performed was at Heaven in London. I know now I should go back to school and study . . . something. If I were truthful, I would say I just party in my spare time. I'm trying to develop longterm goals but my present habits seem to be inhibiting any growth at an artistically developmental level. Perhaps one day I'll use these experiences in my art. That is no excuse, however, to continue my downward slope.

2004-03-08T10:59:00.000-08:00

My toothache is back. It kept me up all night. I ended up waking up ten minutes before I was supposed to leave the house today, but thank Allah, I made it. I think I should stop taking so many aspirin though, lest I OD.

Robin should be moving his things out of the basement today. My dad is coming to give me the futon mattress. Paul has agreed to give me all the furniture in Joe's old room. Wicked! Now, I just need to find a way to get it to my house. I may need to get Angel to help me, which means I need about fifty bucks or so.

I was really depressed late last night. I'm not perfect. I keep making silly mistakes that have to do with drugs. I'm trying really hard to keep responsible.

I was really lonely last night. I have a hard time calling people up to hang out when I don't have any money. I shouldn't care: I rarely make that a concern when I ask others to go out with me. I guess I just wish someone else would make the effort. It's been a while.

2004-03-06T10:18:00.000-08:00

I'm tired. I hate it when people tell me I look tired. I didn't want to come in today. It's been hell trying to get a bed. I need Robin to just move out all his stuff, so I can get started; get a good idea of exactly what I need to buy. Once again, I don't have any money (the story of my life). I'm done complaining. . . ENOUGH!

2004-03-05T10:20:00.000-08:00

Once again, he comes in and gets right back to work. It seems there hasn't really been very much to do since I've been gone (all of two; technically, one day-since I lied and said Allen was a tour). All the work that needs to be done is manual. I just sit here to answer the phone and so Paul looks like he has a secretary, which he does: Me. Frankly though, I wanted no part in telling people they needed to leave for two weeks. I did not want to be a part of that at all, and I think the only way for me to get out of that was to not be present (If that's the excuse you want to use Jemille, fine, but in reality you got high and now you hurt.).

2004-03-02T16:05:00.000-08:00

What a fucking relaxing day. I've been sitting here blahblahblahing all day. Nothing like getting paid to surf the net.

2004-03-02T12:05:00.000-08:00

Today is my birthday. Alyse called me this morning to wish me a happy birthday! We talked briefly about the situation at the house:

Apparently, Robin thought I was going to pay his bills for the month. Boy, was he mistaken. I think he may have to move out. Meryl has invited me to stay as long as I like. I love the location, and since Robin's been gone, things have been going quite well. It's gonna suck when he takes his stuff though (All my porn is on his computer, and now I'll have no television, yet still be paying for cable.)

I guess I could buy a television when I get paid next week. Then I could pick up a VCR/DVD Combo while I'm at it. Those sorts of things aren't that expensive anymore, and since I've already taken care of my monthly bills, it sounds quite feesible. Hopefully, my parents will kick down large tonight, in lieu of my special day.

Tonight is the birthday dinner at Yamashiro. I tried to get Tegree to come, but she doesn't have a ride, and she lives so fucking far. That's exactly why I didn't want to move with them. I would never have spent much time in LA. It was hard enough when we lived in San Bernardino.

I'm feeling quite good today. I had an awesome breakfast. Last night I made an awesome pate dish.

2004-03-01T12:17:00.000-08:00

We did not pass the inspection today. Everyone is really bummed. Apparently, the inspector believes tenants are already living and working in the building. I don't know how to console Paul. Everything I say sounds really vacant. There is nothing, directly, I can do. Paul was very nervous at the outset, but optimistic. Now, he is really upset.

I finally woke up on time, and I left my lunch. I had a great Marie Callender's Fettucine Alfredo w/ chicken & broccoli. I don't have enough money to buy anything.

2004-02-29T16:35:00.000-08:00

I must admit, I feel pretty good today. Things are not perfect, but I'd be hard-pressed to try to make them better. I feel very fortunate. I'm listening to Stereolab, having a Sierra Nevada Pale Ale, and I'm about to light up an American Spirit. Brilliant!

2004-02-28T12:18:00.000-08:00

Although things have not been going exactly as planned, I am trying to remain positive and responsible.

I spent two hundred dollars on groceries last night. I am proud of myself. This morning I awoke on time and made myself breakfast. I'm dealing with the phone situation.

I fantasize about my birthday dinner this Tuesday at Yamashiro. Everyone I invited has made an immeasurable impact on my life and has helped me even when I couldn't help myself. I am trying to think of ways of showing each of them how much I appreciate them.

There is an art opening in Santa Monica tonight that I will attend. I've already bought my bus pass, so I'll need to do things like this, for free.

2004-02-26T10:48:00.000-08:00

I think I'm just becoming lazy. I can't wait to get my futon and really start utilizing the basement space. I really enjoyed last night.

His lack of organization begins to vex me.

2004-02-26T10:19:00.000-08:00

I just got word this morning that the building will open March 1. This means I'll need to be here this weekend to draw up leases for all the tenants. Paul also just let me know I'll need to start coming in at 900 everyday.

I am sleepy and spacy today. I don't know why. I thought I'd get plenty of sleep. This means I will need to start getting to bed earlier. Apparently, eight hours isn't enough. I snoozed again today, then found out my clock was ten minutes slow; a very important ten minutes.

I think Paul is starting to catch on. I'm really tired of being poor. Things have to change after this pay-period.

2004-02-25T20:38:00.000-08:00

Merrill shared her food with me tonight. I was shocked at the offer. I had never known her to really offer anything. We seem to be doing a lot better. I think it's only going to go uphill from here, especially after I get paid Friday.

Robin hasn't been here all week. I think the funny thing is, it doesn't really seem like he lives here. I've thought about what would happen if he ended up moving in with Nathan or Eric. This weekend, after I get my futon I'm really going to enjoy the basement space further. I'm really already starting to enjoy it. It would suck if he took the computer. I think Paul could get me one for cheap though. It would be Windows-based, but I guess we'll take things one step at a time.

My Mom called today and asked me what I wanted to do for my birthday. We're going to Yamashiro. It was quite heartwarming that she even called and asked.

I still totally want to go back to the UK. Dave gave me some words of encouragement today. I think I'm going to do it, because I have to.

2004-02-25T15:04:00.000-08:00

Don't be so hasty. See how you feel in a week. My birthday is in 6 days. Will I undergo a marked change in attitude and outlook? I will be twenty-four years old. I am less the idealist than I once was; I noticed that late last year.

Just this week, in the last couple of days even, I've begun to think about the longer picture. My credit is shot. I could file bankruptcy if I could even find the bills. I am not in the field I attended university for. Should I embark on something new? I have to. The living situation I have now won't last. I could try to get someplace somewhere with someone like Dave, that is, if he doesn't end up getting married off first.

I've begun to see the hopelessness of the situation. It would be great if I could see avenues out; the avenues are few, the lighting is dim. The older I get, the more pathetic it seems. I have done a lot in my twenty-four years. I have done many things that did not produce many dollars. There is no savings, there is no credit.

I used to think about my parents dying, wondering what would be left to me in the form of inheritance. I guess I shouldn't wait for that. Really, I feel quite pathetic. Sometimes I don't though. Not having money does not make me less of a person. One could definitely not see that in popular culture, where possessions and credit are your passport to heaven and adulation from the throngs.

At least now, I can afford my current bills. Once I stop doing drugs, I will be able to afford to eat better, to make my living situation more tolerable. I think I have stopped. I think the experiences of the last few weeks have taken their toll. The experiences still are nipping at my stomach, at my dry lips.

My friends would be ashamed. Or maybe, my real friends would understand.

2004-02-25T11:23:00.000-08:00

I've decided I need to go back to London. As I learned when I was last there, my best hope for being allowed to live/work there on a long-term basis is to become a student. I have requested information from two colleges there. I found one college who's tuition fees are only about 2000 pounds per year. I also have to provide proof of another two thousand pounds in funds available (I guess I'll have to do that on my pre-paid Mastercard.). I need to start saving now. I'm going to need almost $10,000 just to meet the requirements for student visa status. I don't know if I can do it in a year.

I can't stay here indefinitely. I want to go back.

2004-02-24T14:07:00.000-08:00

Jemille: You are not always fabulous. Everyone is not always looking at you. You are not rich. Everyone on this earth was not put here to make your life either better, worse, or more interesting. Do not concentrate on the way you walk. Speak only when you have something to say. You are not clairvoyant.

2004-02-24T13:39:00.000-08:00

I am glad I came to work. I honestly contemplated calling Paul and telling him I wouldn't be in; continuing my endless cycle of 'get a good job, stop showing up and lose it.' He really is trying to work with me. He got me another phone today, and tried not to make a big deal out of the fact that I was extremely late. I think he could see my angst.

Once again, I don't know where to begin. I know the drug use needs to stop. Pot didn't work out (it makes me too lethargic), and speed and rock is threatening to make me ugly. I'm going to make a concerted effort to spend this next paycheck on bills and FOOD.

My toe really hurts from all the walking last night. I was so uncomfortable at GenArt. The cast and crew were at the party. Everyone was so pretentious. I honestly thought of not renewing my subscription. I know I'm a total (GenArt) addict now, though. I think this year I may try to get a $250 membership.

I just calculated my projected wages for the current pay-period: not half-bad. If my rent this month is as low as I've been led to believe it should be, I should be able to buy everything I need, some things I want, and still have money to save.

I haven't saved a single dime since I've been back from London. Actually, saving up for that trip, is the only time I've ever saved money successfully. Maybe I need another such motive.

2004-02-24T12:51:00.000-08:00

Today I am over two hours late to work. I couldn't get out of bed; I could barely walk. I think I've been trying to do too much. I couldn't even give Paul a better excuse other than that I was just tired. I don't have any medical or dental insurance, so I can't take care of myself like I should. I think I'm losing another tooth because of my drug use. I haven't been eating well at all. I am exhausted. My skin is dry. I don't think Paul is happy with me at all right now, so I tried to come in and get straight to work.

2004-02-23T17:12:00.000-08:00

I'm on my way to the GenArt event after I have a couple of glasses of red wine w/ the boss. I do not even have enough money for popcorn. I am hungry and I don't know what to do. Should I spend my last three dollars on a bucket? I may need it later. I would be really embarrassed if I couldn't afford it or couldn't afford the tax. I will need to tip the bartenders at Cinespace, but I feel like I may have to get over this one, and just depend on my good tipping karma.

2004-02-23T13:07:00.000-08:00

I am eating two-week old Chinese food. It is very spicy. "They" say, spices help to preserve food; it's a technique they use in third-world countries and in smarter kitchens around the world I guess. The more spices you put in with the food, the longer it is supposed to stay. On a more modern note, at least it was refrigerated. When I opened the container it didn't smell bad, so I'm taking my chances.

I cannot afford food. I cannot afford anything. Tonight, I have passes to another film-screening and after-party with GenArt. Fortunately, everything there is free.

I am frustrated at work today. I don't think it's just because of my mood resulting from my weekend. I think I deserve a raise. I am an executive administrative assistant AND a commercial leasing agent (concurrently), and my pay is not reflecting such titles.

2004-02-23T12:15:00.000-08:00

My body hurts from my weekend. Friday I was robbed, or should I say gyped. I spent WAY too much money, yet again, and contemplated never doing drugs again, of course. For some reason, it always seems to be niggers that rip me off. I hate that shit.

I met this guy named Rodolfo. He is the new love of my life; not really, but we totally clicked.

So, I'm riding the bus down Santa Monica Boulevard; I'd just bought some tina from some gay, black kid on the corner (so, I guess I can't say all blacks are bad). It was exceptional stuff. I got on the bus after doing a couple of lines and buying a great dub. I was really horny as usual. For some reason, there were only males on the bus. . . .

I'll have to finish this story later, as I have work to do, and lunch to eat. I want to get it done soon, as Rodolfo should be here at 2.

2004-02-20T15:36:00.000-08:00

The internet went down today, and I was bored out of my face. I resorted to Solitaire and Pinball: not impressive in a professional sense.

2004-02-19T13:00:00.000-08:00

Here are some words for today:

Acousticophilia - Arousal from (certain) sounds.
Acrophilia - Being sexual aroused by heights.
Acrotomophilia - Arousal by the activity/thought of having sex with an amputee.
Actirasty - Arousal from exposure to the suns rays.
Agoraphilia - Arousal from having sex in public places.
Agrexophilia - Excitement from knowing that others are aware of a persons sexual activities.
Aischrolgia - The expression of obscenities.
Allopellia - Orgasm from watching others have sex.
Altocalciphilia - High heel fetish.
Anasteemaphilia - Being attracted to someone due to a difference in height.
Anolinctus - The act of licking the anus of another.
Anolingus - The act of inserting the tongue into the anus of another (as opposed to just licking it).
Automysophilia - Arousal from being dirty or defiled.
Axillism - Using the armpit for sex (as a substitute vagina).
Capnolagnia - Arousal from watching others smoke.
Choreophilia - Sexual arousal from dancing.
Coitus Interfermoris - Penetration between the thighs.
Dasyproctic - With hairy buttocks.
Gomphipothic - Arousal from the sight of teeth.
Gynelophilous - Arousal from the sight/touch of pubic hair.
Harpaxophilia - sexual arousal from being robbed.
Hebephilia - Attraction to teenagers.
Hodophilia - Sexual arousal from travelling to new or strange places.
Hygrophilia - Arousal from contact with body secretions (tears, salvia etc.)
Jactitation - Excitement or arousal from bragging about their own sexual exploits.
Idrophrodisia - Arousal from perspiration.
Kleptolagnia - Arousal from stealing.
Miscegenation - Sex or marriage between people of different races.
Moriaphilia - Arousal from telling sex related jokes.
Nanophilia - Attraction to short people.
Narratophilia - Arousal from telling sex related stories, poems, jokes etc.
Odontophilia - Arousal from teeth.
Ondinisme - Arousal from urine.
Ozolagnia - Arousal from odors.
Pathicant - A minor who engages in anal sex with an adult.
Paraphilia - Arousal from acts that are generally considered unacceptable by the fetishist (themselves) or society.
Pecattiphilia - Sexual excitement from stealing or sinning.
Podophilia - Foot fetish.
Sacofricosis - The practice of cutting a hole in the pockets of trousers so that a person can masturbate (usually in public).
Satyriasis - Male equivalent of nymphomania.
Tripsolagnia - Arousal from having one's hair shampooed by another.
Urophilia - Sexual arousal from contact with urine.
Vicarphilia - Arousal from another person sexual experience/s.
Xenophilia - Sexual arousal from strangers.
Zwischenstufe - Arousal from person/s of the same sex.

2004-02-19T11:32:00.000-08:00

After this past weekend, I'm forced to reevaluate everything. I've had money and property stolen from me by someone I trusted, although briefly. My roommate situation is still in limbo. I am humbled, but not depressed.

2004-02-15T16:56:00.000-08:00

I'm chillin' wit' carpet. My fucking dick feels good; even in my pants, against my yellow shorts. . . kinda boxers. It doesn't really matter, 'cause FUCK! Fuckin' shit! Fuckin'. . . my dick feels good. "Machismo. . . " Today, there's been so much "dick in my life."

I got with this dude; he had a big ol' cock! It was black, and I got it all spitty (I like to gush my 'COCKHOLE JUICE' all over a dick to get it all slobbery and wet. I like juicy, dirty sex).

2004-02-12T14:48:00.000-08:00

Last night, I was very sad a lonely. I don't think I'll be moving, which means I need to make the best of my current situation. I'll get started today on the basement space in Eagle Rock. I need to leave work early today, just to break the routine. I need some time to think and reflect. I also need to spend some time with Robin. We need to embrace our space.

2004-02-12T01:55:00.000-08:00

I'm listening to The Cranberries; not because I thought about Thomas today. I thought of the flat more than I did him.

Just on a computer note: I totally went in at linkmeallover today, by exposing my dissatisfaction regarding actual correspondence.

The flat situation is really bugging me now. Tonight's event was very brief. I learned little: It's $350 per month.

2004-02-11T10:47:00.000-08:00

I am not eating well. I am starting to become lethargic. I was supposed to go view a flat in Westwood this morning; didn't make it. Robin bought me a breakfast burrito from this cute little cafe on Spring Street. It reminded me I hadn't eaten since yesterday at lunch, as if the pain in my stomach wasn't enough.

I feel like things are falling apart just a little. I can still get it back, but it's been a really rough week. The time while Jim was here may have been a holiday for him, but it was very stressful, vexing even, for me. I still have not recovered, and now, I'm more tired and out of it than ever.

2004-02-11T10:37:00.000-08:00

Last night, I actually got turned down for sex. I showed up at Gregg's house, having never met him in person before. We chatted a couple of days online. There was music playing, there was incense burning; it was like a bad porno, except nobody ends up having sex. . . like an even worse porno. We sat and chatted for a while. He told me he was tired of talking, he just wanted to fuck, and I asked if I could take a shower (I had just gotten off work and running errands.) and if he'd like to join me. He said he'd already had one when he got home. I took a shower and met him back in the living room wearing my towel, feeling sexy. We sat in silence, and then he tells me he doesn't find me physically attractive. WTF? I have never been turned down for sex! I think he thought I was sick. After all, my waiflike appearance is kind of ungodly. I couldn't believe it. I'm gorgeous! How could he say that? I guess I'm just not his type. Or maybe, I think he thought I was sick. Karma?

2004-02-10T11:23:00.000-08:00

Up & down, up & down. Today is a new day. After talking with Robin about yesterday's situation, he thinks I should stay and grin and bare it, to save the money. I'd rather invest the money in my happiness.

2004-02-09T23:19:00.000-08:00

I'm having a hard time. The more I let go, the more I tend to really analyze my actions and concepts. I am so jealous of all these cute little white boys. One day in my shoes. . . . They are so beautiful. I know it's not that I want them, it's that I want to be them. Them and their beautiful feet. Them and their beautiful hair.

2004-02-09T22:53:00.000-08:00

Today was an interesting day, indeed. I don't really know what to think. Apparently, my roommates, namely Merrill, have been having problems with me. They are nit-picking. I don't really feel like going into too much detail, but today I've started looking for a new place.

I went to Daryl's house in Hollywood, near Sunset/Fairfax. Georgous, hardwood floors, beatiful creme and gold, and wood decor. He seems really down to earth. He values his quiet. He is a massage therapist, as well as a script-writer and aspiring actor.

Tomorrow, I have an appointment to see a house down in Bellflower. It sounds farther than it is. Fortunately, the Metro Rail goes there, so I'm cool. It's gay men, with a pool. They like to skinny dip. It sounds perfect, although the conversation with John, the owner, had it's ups and downs. It might work, I'll just have to wait and see.

Now, I'm listening to Stereolab. Mike, Merrill's boyfriend, bought pizza tonight and even offered a couple ciggies. He's cool. I get very mixed signals from her. She acts one way, and Rob tells me she's saying something else when I'm not here. Well, tonight I did the dishes, and didn't leave any of my stuff in the living room. I don't want this drama though, so I'd better move. I just don't need it in my life right now. Everything else is going really well.

2004-02-06T20:01:00.004-08:00

If anyone wants to know who I truly love, look at my Yahoo! Address Book. It is the beginning. There are others, but the backbone is accurate.

Daniel Aviles
Bob Babb
Charity Baker
Alyse Edmonson
Tim Frick
Robert Guethlein
Dave Hasse
Dan Heggem
JP Jones
Mishaffner Jones
Lon Kaiser
Mom
Callandra Pigg
Arabella Proffer
Thomas Rossiter
Emma Showalter
Harold Stamey
Harold Stamey
Harold Lee Stamey
Skylar Wells

2004-02-06T20:01:00.003-08:00

And here it is. I even advertised on craigslist, and I only got two 'maybes' for tomorrow. I'm bored. I don't really know if I'm lonely. I'd really like to correspond with someone over the computer. Apparently, gone are the days when I could just log onto gay.com and talk for hours on end with someone I didn't know. Afterwards, we'd usually end up meeting in person, they would be impressed how I looked better than in my photos, and no matter how prudish or vanilla they tried to seem, we'd end up in the sack. At the very least, I'd have some typing to do.

Trying to get someone to chat with you in the Los Angeles rooms is hard unless you're white, a model, or under 25/a "college boi". I've been all that already, except white. I'm over it. At least the guys I do meet have substance.

Now, I'm looking at the same porn sites I'm famous for. Dublab is rockin tonight. I think I'll have more vodka, and more Vicodin. I could really use a fucking cigarette.

2004-02-06T20:01:00.002-08:00

I was looking at this guys pubic hair today: I don't think he shaves it, but it still keeps a sort of triangular nest around his basket. I think pubic hair is there to remind us of our animal roots. How come body hair is concentrated there and the underarms? I think there's something to that.

Later: I'm really jealous of the way kids have it today. Everything is so open, technology is at their fingertips, and because secretly, the economy's actually shit, their parents are hardly ever home. I look at how many kids, 18, 19 years old, have their own porn websites. They're actually making money off doing what comes naturally. I am so jealous. That was my dream.

I'm a little pissed off that we didn't get to take any photos while Jim was here. I know it's selfish to be thinking of that when his camera was stolen, but I'm still a little pissed off. I need some new digi-photos really bad. I feel like I'm being left behind. I'm hot, dammit!

2004-02-06T20:01:00.001-08:00

I almost got caught jacking off in Robin's bed today by Emily. It was perfect timing. She knocked just as I was wiping spooge off my leg (desparatedly trying to catch it before it oozed down my thigh to the bedsheets) with an impromptu wank sock. I have to admit, I covered it pretty well. I don't think she knew. If she did, she was very gracious.

I'm not that horny anymore. Now, I have the house all to myself. I keep attempting to chat up some guys online, but I don't really feel like a catch tonight.

I went to the store and got a roast beef sandwich. Robin said he loaded me a bowl, which I can't find. I still got my pills though. And there's plenty of alcohol in the house. If I just want to get drunk and stupid, that's an option. . . . totally pull a 'Marla'.

2004-02-06T20:01:00.000-08:00

I've been trying to be able to write about anything but sex for the past two days. I don't think it's going to work. I've realized in the past couple of days, how long it's been since I got some. I guess it's only been a week, but it's all I can think about. Robin has some pretty good latino porn mags, and obviously, a computer. I'm just being a little coy about the situation. It's my first time alone in his house with full run.

A couple guys contacted me on cragslist yesterday. Nothing really panned out, which is okay because by the time I got home, I just wanted to relax.

We went to Clockwork Orange last night: not my scene. All the people there were way too young. I was way cooler than them at their age. . . sad, really.

My interest at linkmeallover is no longer communicating with me, I suppose. He could be reading this, and is just trying to prove a point, or I could be way overanalyzing, which is probably closer to the case.

2004-02-06T11:00:00.000-08:00

The Vicodin has finally kicked in. I've been in agony since 533 this morning. I've booked a 1530 with the dentist today. Fortunately, it's only a 15 minute bus ride.

Alyse came down last night. We went to a bar called "The Scene". The bands were pretty good. They were loud. The middle band was my favourite. More importantly, we ran into Mike Lowry and Claire! Mike looks really good now. For the longest time, I thought he and Claire were together, but I've finally learned, through Alyse, that they are not. He flirts. Not with me per se, but he's just a really flirty guy.

I haven't heard from my new 52 year old friend. I'm beginning to think he was just leading me on. Now, I have to consciously not write to him via my weblog.
Tangent: I was going to let Jim read it. I told him I would. But, I'm hoping he will just forget that conversation.

I took a Vicodin and 3 aspirin. Now I see why people pop pills.

2004-02-05T10:08:00.000-08:00

This morning, Robin noticed that my hair-tie is actually a gummy cock-ring. Only he would actually get that. I think it's really twisted to use something with such a sole, erotic purpose for such a banal function. The juxtaposition makes me smile.

I don't want things to change now that I've let someone read my blog. I suppose one does write for it to be read, but there is a certain comfort in the anonymity of strictly writing for the page. In a way, his reading my thoughts feeds my ego, which I think is the opposite of the road I thought we were embarking on. Admittedly, giving him a boner was quite a turn-on.

I seem to think of everything in terms of it's sexuality. The id strikes again. I watched a documentary once that said all human action was geared to produce sexual results: money, status, power, image, all to get the girl.

2004-02-03T13:28:00.000-08:00

I keep thinking about Friday night after The Standard. I had such a good time. So, I didn't get my hair done. I wasn't that excited about waking up at the butt-crack of dawn in the first place, just to go out to San Bernardino. I know Jim was mad about that, but he shouldn't have left me on the street. Rather, if he had explained he was tired because he was sick, I would have taken his situation into account when making my decision. Besides, if I hadn't gone to that second venue, I wouldn't have run into Arron, who is not only hot, but is potential money for me.

2004-02-03T12:54:00.000-08:00

Insight:

Today, I took an online personality disorder test. I suppose online tests aren't always the most accurate, but I tried to answer the questions as honestly as I could, even when it was painful. Here are the results:

Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: High
Schizoid: Moderate
Schizotypal: Moderate
Antisocial: Moderate
Borderline: Low
Histrionic: High
Narcissistic: Very High
Avoidant: Low
Dependent: Low
Obsessive-Compulsive: Low

2004-02-03T10:06:00.000-08:00

This isn't funny anymore. I think I'm done. I got to the room last night and it was locked. Turned out, Jim FORGOT to renew. He has offered to pay the room for a week, and refund my money. I still don't think he has any idea when he'll be going home. I'm completely finished, and I wish he'd go. This has been the most stressful week for me. I want him to go home. I need to be alone in my city, and I need to sort my shit out before the weekend gets here.

He doesn't take responsibility. He acted like it wasn't a big deal. He acted like the fact that he forgot was a good excuse. When he finally got home, I'm guessing after 1 in the morning, he had the gall to climb in the bed and try to cuddle with me. He just doesn't get it, and I'm looking forward to never seeing him again. For right now, he's going to help me take care of my business for my trouble.
Thomas all over again

We failed our pump room inspection today. Skylar's words echo in my ear: "Make sure you always have a few jobs waiting." I fear for the opening of this building in time. I think Paul is covering his stress by keeping busy. I need to appear to do the same. I need this job. This is my main source of income. Should I start looking?

Emily tried to politely tell me to move my stuff into the basement by Saturday. I feel unwelcome and I think I need to get started looking for a new place.

2004-02-02T13:09:00.000-08:00

I've been having a hard time, which usually makes for great writing. I don't know where to begin, as I can't remember what I last wrote. I don't want to look back lest I sway the flow of natural thought.

I am tired. For the past week, my life has been completely unstable. I've been staying in the hotel with Jim. We never get enough sleep. I'm a few minutes late to work everyday. I am unhappy with him. He is too slow. Things that, to me, seem obvious, takes three repetitions for him to get. I don't doubt he's a smart guy at what he does, but with day-to-day things, like directions, social tact, there is much to be desired. I tire of repeating myself. He has a palm-pilot he never uses. What is his excuse for asking for directions? It's (the palm-pilot) better than the On-Star system.

I am tired because he is sick. I don't know how to deal with it. 8 years later, he still is embarassed by it. He still holds it secret; the same with being gay. He says 'gay' under his breath, as if it's still a bad word. When he meets someone he thinks is gay, he smirks, points, and under his breath, "I think he's gay." In many ways, he's still a little boy, living off and with his parents' spoils. He has no idea what it's like to be independent. I've never met any of his friends. It sounds like his brother is just as impatient with him as I.

His sarcasm is vexing. He likes to wind people up. He laughs at the bothersome awkwardness of the situations he creates.

Last night, I attempted to confront him about how I really feel about him. He is not receptive. He falls back on the 'nobody's perfect' cliche', which actually gives him no need to improve. If everyone has flaws, why should he bother trying to become a better person? Ridiculous. Emotionally, I'd imagine he is the same as a decade ago, minus the stress of being sick.

LIAR!!!!

It makes me so mad! I can tell the difference in his body. The way his veins are so prominent. The way his skin is waxy; just like a speed addict that's also muscular. It looks unnatural. I can tell. He is sick.

Robin tells me I should have dumped him there and then. He says he would have beat his ass. After 'the news', to me, we became just going-out partners. I took him to The Standard out of obligation. He had been taking me out all week, and I didn't want to look like a gold-digger. But that will be all. I have no more allegiance.

I spent far too much money Friday night. Most of it had nothing to do with what went on in the hotel room that night, but that sure didn't help. I barely paid my rent, and fortunately, got a bartending job on Sunday. It will be a struggle, but I may be able to make it. Sadly, I'm pondering taking an advance. Hopefully, someone will sign, that way I will have earned it.

I am so exhausted. I need to rest. I need to have a place of my own, and I don't know if Robin's will work out. It seems very temporary.

2004-01-28T11:31:00.000-08:00

Skylar emailed me this morning. I think he's really going through a hard time right now. I want to help him, but I think I should get my shit sorted first. I used to wonder if he was bi. I think I should just come out and ask him, but I don't want another "Bob" situation. I fear if I ask, it will put a strain on the friendship.

2004-01-28T11:13:00.000-08:00

Jim is here from Kentucky. It is only Wednesday.

I sit staring into space, wondering where to begin. I have a very busy day ahead. I just spent my last five dollars on a pack of smokes.

"Responsible for what I say
Responsible for what I hush"

-Stereolab, Emperor Tomato Ketchup: Motoroller Scalatron c: 1996

Jim told me he is HIV positive last night. He lied to me, by omitting extremely pertinent information. I'm upset because he lied: "Responsible for what I hush." He waits until he's actually here in California to tell me. I've known him since August.

His camera was stolen from our hotel room yesterday. We just discovered it this morning. I am fearful for my stuff now. Am I selfish?

2004-01-27T14:02:00.000-08:00

I'm not going to the dentist today. It's been very busy. I arrived 30 minutes late, and like an asshole, my boss looked at his watch when I came through the door. That's why I decided not to take the afternoon off. Then he says, "Is it the money?"

Back to my teeth, I think all they need is some good brushing with a quality toothpaste. I bought a new brush yesterday, and rocked some Crest this morning, and I've been fine.

Jim is here, and he's more than I could have ever imagined. It felt so comfortable to sleep with him. No matter which side I slept on, we hugged and cuddled. I'm usually not a cuddler, but I enjoyed our time last night.

I have to go pick up my luggage from Robin's today. I'm wearing the same outfit as yesterday.

Lee loved the building. I really think she may use it for a fashion event in the future. I'm still trying to get the blueprints/building specs together to fax to her by the end of the business day today. I hope it doesn't take too long. At 1500, I'm just sending what I have. Fortunately, Kevin is helping by taking measurements. It is absolutely ridiculous that we don't have square footage floor plans to show clients.

2004-01-26T16:02:00.000-08:00

Please! Oh, Please, 5 o'clock come! I can't believe I've had this sort of day. I was pretty positive going into it, but my mouth REALLY FUCKING HURTS! I want to leave early, and I can't afford it. I want to take a day off to go to the dentist, but I can't afford it. THIS SUCKS!

I got a couple of hours to kill at the spa before Jim gets here. Long enough for me to smoke those rocks, and hopefully numb my mouth, while at the same time, getting in a better mood to meet him with. I look like shit today. I can also have a shower (although, I left my Infusium at the Eagle Rock house).

2004-01-26T13:59:00.000-08:00

I'm not doing so well today. My mouth is really hurting. I went to Rite-Aid, and the lady told me to get some Anbesol. It's barely working enough for me not to be extremely angry at her horrible recommendation. I should have just gone ahead and gotten the Aleve. I can't afford both. The Anbesol and an Oral-B toothbrush cost 14 dollars.

I'm still waiting for Jim, and secretly plotting what I'm going to do if he's not here by the time I get off. Inevitably, if I go try to claim my free room at the spa, he will call just after I've checked in.