Development

I came here to a park in Santa Monica by what I thought were less than virtuous means. I was wrong. I thought: "I'll buy some meat and head to the beach, or to Third and Rose to meet Rollo." I haven't got there.

I decided to walk down Fourth. I found a park: I don't know what street.
I'm listening to the radio: to KPFK ,90.7 Los Angeles, Pacifica Radio. I'm a little drunk.

I was lonely. I was ALONE! I couldn't stand it. I was yelling at the heavens regarding my loneliness.

I DON'T WANT TO DO IT ANYMORE!!!

I don't know how to help myself. I don't know why this wi-fi is working. I don't know why Skylar has offered me work. I know I belong in this seat. I know I've done the right thing.

I'm on the right track, but I keep getting distracted.

(I have plenty of battery.)

I don't want to leave here.

Something spiritual is happening

People are walking by now. I wonder if I seem like art, or like a weirdo.

There's a song on the radio now that is using samples of the Reverend Doctor Martin Luther King Junior.

(They are walking near me now. That validates me.)

This may be the farthest I need to go. I'm going to take my bottle out.


I wonder who will read this, if anyone.

Things are changing. I knew I felt a change. I'm smoking less. Monday through Friday, I've refrained from eating meat.

Unfortunately, my attitude this week has been very poor. I really don't find much to laugh about at work. I feel very pensive most of the time; I'm trying to figure something out, but I don't know what it is. I'm making subconscious connections.

Recently, I compared my current emotional state to that of my black period preceding and includin my sophomore year in high school.

I did end up getting that book at the library about programming. I'm learning BASIC, not because it's going to be that useful, but because I'd like to start at the beginning.

Skylar suggested I learn programming, and although it may have lit a little fire under my bum, I'm doing it for myself. I have wanted to study programming since I was very young. I can rememer working on Apple computers when I was in grade school, and taking the word processing and spreadsheet class at El Camino College while my mom was a student there.

Christine's attitude has been very weird of late. I feel like she's noticed that I'm not quite as into her as I once seemed. I'm waking up and I can't seem to fake it as easily as I used to be able to, if at all.

Although I'm broke, I do seem to be getting a little better with my money. I actually bought dishes last week. Although that may seem small, it shows that I may finally be thinking practically. Also, I've turned down a few invitations to events, simply because I didn't want to go. I think it may be the start of leaving the people-pleasing behavior behind.

Danny, Emily and possibly Husam are no more.

While I indicated to Alyse that I would be joining her in Eugene in a couple of weeks for her birthday celebration, I'm not sure if that's really going to pan out. I have to see the way things work out fiscally. Maybe being fiscally conservative isn't a bad thing. It's beginning to make me see things in a different way. What is essential, and what's just fluff. Who are my friends? These are questions that are coming into the forefront now that I'm enjoying spending my money doing things I need to do, and more importantly, enjoy doing; things that are good for me.

I'm hoping to begin to write more. My last entry, although disjointed, was, for me, very therapeutic.

I received my evaluation from CCSM regarding my performance as resident manager. Not so bad.... The only two things I got knocked for were two things I refused to do. I will start doing Monthly Time Logs this month.

I know I will start to do them because I'm feeling much less burdened by life at the moment. I'm learning to let some of the things that are destructive to me simply fall away.

I have so much more energy. I look great! And, I find when I do things that are good for me, it's beginning to feel like less of an obligation; it's starting to make me feel good...each time!


I'm going to have to work out exactly what I'm going to do about my Mom. Her energy was really fucked up the other day, and the materialism is really getting to me.

I'm out of money again. I thought that with this new job, everything would be better. I simply began to spend more on lavish dinners, impromptu holidays and expensive clothes. Fortunately, I was able to give my mom some money and buy her a very nice bracelet. I was also able to help out my sister and take my brother for a hot night out on the town.

This weekend, I've literally done nothing but lie in bed. I surfed the web: my new favorite is Wikipedia. I search anything that crosses my mind. I hope I can retain it. I also use Limewire quite a bit. I am proud to say, I have only used the files I cop for personal use, which I believe is the point.

My horoscope, which I still read from time to time, says that I'm learning to not sweat the little things. I think that is definitely true. I have just enough money to get to work until payday, Thursday. I have a minute food budget, so it looks like Ramen for the next three days.


Christine is at BurningMan with her boyfriend GianCarlo (GC) and some other friends. One night while at their place having cocktails, GC and she made a huge point of telling me that GC is bisexual and has, in the past, engaged in sexual relations with men. Why she would tell me that about her own boyfriend is completely beyond me.

After that, the next time I hung out with them, GC kept bringing up things about gay lifestyle and philosophy when Christine wasn't around. The situation is quite uncomfortable, but only for me, I think.


I spend most of the time while I'm at home naked. It just feels better. I'm learning to be less paranoid of the windows. If someone could see in, I imagine they certainly would have said something by now.

My place is still largely unfurnished. I have two beds, one twin with frame and one full futon mattress situated on the floor. I finally bought my own notebook. Instead of it sitting on a desk, it is on a plastic crate. The only dishes I have are cups, one pan, a teakettle and flatware.

I have very few minutes left on my phone. I think my service should run out by Wednesday, possibly Tuesday. Fortunately, again, payday is Tuesday, so I shouldn't be out of the game for too long.

Part of the reason for this weekend's poverty comes from the fact that I've just enrolled in the firm's 401(k). I instructed them to take a total of about twenty percent of my gross wages. I know that this is the only way I will be able to save money; only if I don't get my hands on it in the first place.

Don't relax.

The trip to Augusta is cancelled. According to Lu, it's actually postponed. She says she's saving me for New York in March. Although that sounds great, March is a long way away. I was really looking forward to the extra money. I haven't told my parents yet. I don't think I will; I'll just have to really step it up through that period.

I'm not feeling very good today. I'm not ill or anything, I just feel a slight depression going on. The smallest little thing puts me in the shittiest mood.

I'm sure some of it has to do with seeing the injustice of my past in my face everyday. I'm not going to explain that.

I'm trying my best not to live in resentments.

The damage has been done with my mother and I. Things will never be the same between us as they were. It's been a steady downhill battle, and we'll both have to accept our decisions.

Although I hadn't planned on it, I ended up sleeping for the better part of the day. I'm sure that had something to do with all the coffee I ingested last night. 2 cups of regular, and a double caramel latte: I was up until after eight in the morning. I decided to go on and make breakfast around seven while watching Spin City. Dammit, I love that show. <>
Someone commented on my JUB blog today. He seems like an interesting guy.

Mum came home today. Fortunately, she was in a good mood, but I won't hold her to it. Tomorrow, I'll be spending the day in the city.

I'm meeting new people everyday. The past few days have been very telling, and very awakening. I'm realising I'm not as bad as I always thought I was. I'm okay. Sure, I'm a deviant in certain ways, but let's keep things interesting. I'm still working on getting rid of that guilt, but I think I'm getting there.

I wish I could be more specific, but the individual happenings seem so trivial when compared to the big picture, and the big picture is so BIG!

For now, until I gather my thoughts...

I wish I had been born in a time when there were no television. I know that sounds awful as it can be a great artform, but growing up with television, I think, has made life harder for me. I'm constantly judging myself against the moving two dimensional images I see. Television let me know what's considered normal and what's considered deviant behaviour. Unfortunately, it's always behind the times, so I grew up as guilty as a Catholic about every little thing.